yo. sorry i haven't posted for a while. i was out of town, helping my kids graduate and feel inspired, moving out of my apt, etc. , etc. so i haven't really been able to sit down and write. but i am back.
so i am a tad stressed out so i figured i'd write it out so i don't go to sleep feeling like this. have you ever felt like you are constantly being told you are wrong or mean or whatnot but u honestly don't feel like you are? i don't mean your in denial. or you're just tryna ignore reality. i mean, you actually pray about it, talk to others about it, and you really don't see where these personality classifications are justified. what do you do? asking others only seems to help so much. praying about it doesn't bring answers, just a little bit of peace. so what if you really don't think you are that mean or cold or unkind because you know how you feel and it's definitely not that way? then what?
and then, what if someone brings out the best in you...but simultaneously brings out the worse? i was told tonight that i treat my friends better than i treat blank yet when i thought about it, i was bothered by that generalization. and here is why. 1) i generally defend myself. period. i have been ganged up on or verbally battered enough by people to know that this crap ain't happening no more. i'd rather defend myself and find out that i was wrong and apologize than be walked all over by someone, even a loved one. and my friends don't generally get snapped at or yelled at...because they know i will do it. i do try to be diplomatic but on the occassions that i don't, we stay mad for a sec or two and then we move the hell on. why? because our friendship is probably way more important than whatever we were arguing over. 2) my closest friends and i communicate so well, we don't need to argue. why argue when you know you are irritating me? you will probably recognize it and simply stop. 3) people who really push my buttons that much are no longer my friends. thats the truth. if you bring out the worst in me, then you probably don't need to be in my life in the first place. why? because i have a lot to give the world and viewing myself as a terrible person, unworthy of love and affection and great things in my life are not gonna help me get my purpose accomplished.
so what if someone brings out the worst in me but i still have them around? what does that say about them? about me? isn't it true that people closest to you will see all sides of you, good and bad? but dont many of them know how to keep those terrible parts of you away? everyone has a side to them that they would rather not unleash. but if someone seems to bring that out of you, what do you do? especially when that person also brings out the best you have.
ok i'm done venting. :)
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Maybe if someone is bringing out the best and worst in you, then they know a different you than other people know. By definition, we have to be our best and our worst, those are the ingridients of who we are. Does someone who only knows and sees your best really know you? (rhetorical). I'll have to ponder this some more. Definitely know yourself. If no one ever brings out the worst parts of us, maybe we'll be less inclined to critically evaluate that part of us and make alterations. This is stream of consciousness and by no means a critique or evaluation. I'mma marinate on it. Undoubtedly, you are a wonderful person. I miss you!
ReplyDeleteur brilliant. so glad u follow me. i miss you too! thanks for the insight because of course you are correct.
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