what is your legacy?

(written on July 29th)

i am spending the week at my alma mater participating in a law camp for high schools students. it is absolutely amazing. it makes me appreciate students so much more to see how sweet it can be to teach when kids are more able and open to accept your lessons and guidance. anyway, we had them participate in a privilege walk and afterwards took the time to discuss how we all felt and provide them an opportunity to discuss any issues they have had and how they felt about the activity and how it related to the law. i ended feeling like my small group had a great discussion. as i got up to pack, one of the most conservative kids comes up to me who was in my group and stops me. he tells me that he really appreciated my ability to see all points of view and provide such a positive facilitation of highly controversial topics. now, if you don't know yet, i am a pretty big lefty on a lot of issues. he tells me he's so impressed with how well i was able to navigate difficult topics and allow everyone to feel important. and we chatted for a few minutes and then i got to thinking. this is how this kid will remember me. as the RA who respected his different opinion and helped others open their eyes.

then i thought, how will i be remembered by people? by my family, friends, ex's, enemies, students, etc.

shoot, how will you be remembered.

Follow Me!!!

so i am officially leaving the state to go to cold country in 23 days. and i started a blog so i can document my life over the next 3 years as i toil away in school. there is only one problem....NO ONE IS FOLLOWING ME!!!! so, please add yourself as a follower. i love all of you who read but if you don't follow, i feel like a loser. its like having a party and no one shows up but everyone calls to apologize. you are still sitting alone at the party. so add yourself, por favor.

gracias. :)

The death of Ms. C...

so i finally decided to write about the dead. no, its not a celebrity host, the greatest entertainer of all time (rip), a cheating athlete...it's my alter ego- Ms. C. for the past 2 years, i stopped being heavenlymaize and i became Ms. C...at least to my students. i still remember the student who first called me that instead of my actual last name. his name is Los and he was one of the students i will never forget. i will never forget the days he came high as hell to class and actually tried to look offended when i asked about it. or the time he punched a wall because he was so upset and i told him that just because he had a hard life doesn't give him an excuse to be a slacker. or when he got one of my other students to hold his drugs and got made when it got taken away. or how he said n**** and i ripped him a new one to the point where he wrote me an apology letter. or when he hugged me and thanked me for never giving up on him when he graduated. seeing him graduate was a highlight of my life, one of my proudest moments. i felt like a parent when i watched him walk across the stage to accept his middle school diploma.

he wasn't the only kid i stressed out over these past two years. but he stuck out because he was an example of those kids who are on the fence, the ones who no one expects to make it. a minority kid with no daddy and serious anger problems. one who idolizes the gang life and loves getting faded. and yet when i saw him 5 months later, he was rocking skinny jeans and playing baseball. who would have thought.

the past two years have completely altered the way i view life. i was a college student, still carrying some naivete with me when i graduated from Big State School in 07. i thought i could change the world and that when i began teaching, i would really connect. i would make significant gains and eventually be able to reach all of my kids. eery single one of them. i would have never guessed that my 2nd year, i would have a class where over half of the kids i had in the beginning were kicked out or checked out by the end. only 4 students graduated from that class. or that there would actually be some kids that i don't like (his name is Demon Child and i think he is a spawn of the devil). or that when i finally finished teaching, i would actually miss my kids. and wonder if maybe i should have given it a 3rd year (this lasts all of 30 secs).

i entered the profession a 22 year old adult...or so i thought. i left the profession a grown a** woman. there is a difference between being a legal adult and grown. prior to teaching, i was somewhere in between. i've always been very mature, esp when it comes to handling my business. i pay my bills, take care of myself, and keep everything together. but when i became a teacher, i learned how much i didn't know. i learned how to really be a role model. how to keep the curse words to myself, no matter how angry i was, because i had to teach my kids that you could express anger in a mature and respectful manner. i learned how to truly believe in people who don't believe in themselves. (there is nothing more tragic than a child who at 13 already believes there is no hope for success and that they are a failure). i learned how to be responsible for other's physical well-being. making sure my boys didn't join a gang and my girls didn't get jumped on the way home from school...or at school, for that manner. after teaching for 2 years, there are few things that i cannot handle (except 1L year in law school...but that's another blog). i must admit that i actually love my kids. i will always think of them and thank God for the gift of even being allowed to teach these amazing people for two years. on the last day of school, i told my first group that they were the most amazing kids that i could have ever taught. and that they were the reason why people become teachers. i actually had a good time teaching them all year because they were brilliant, well behaved, and hilarious. i love those kids from room #329 and i'll miss them dearly. the only reason i still have my myspace page is to keep in touch with them. and although i'm going off to another state, another school and another career, i will never forget them. they challenged me. they made me grow. they changed my life.

and now Ms. C is dead. she is no longer in exsistence...except to about 120 kids around downtown and east la. but to the rest of the world, i am simply heavenlymaize. although i wonder if i will ever let Ms. C die completely. i dunno what to think. sigh....

this is why i teach for...

"Ms. C" is gone...(prelude)

i know at some point i must write about the end of Ms. C. if you don't know who Ms. C is, then i will take time in my next post to introduce you to her. she's a trip. she's a former teacher (is that even possible) and a dedicated one to her kids that she has taught over the past 2 years.

but i'll get to her another day. me sleepy

You bring out the ??? in me

yo. sorry i haven't posted for a while. i was out of town, helping my kids graduate and feel inspired, moving out of my apt, etc. , etc. so i haven't really been able to sit down and write. but i am back.

so i am a tad stressed out so i figured i'd write it out so i don't go to sleep feeling like this. have you ever felt like you are constantly being told you are wrong or mean or whatnot but u honestly don't feel like you are? i don't mean your in denial. or you're just tryna ignore reality. i mean, you actually pray about it, talk to others about it, and you really don't see where these personality classifications are justified. what do you do? asking others only seems to help so much. praying about it doesn't bring answers, just a little bit of peace. so what if you really don't think you are that mean or cold or unkind because you know how you feel and it's definitely not that way? then what?

and then, what if someone brings out the best in you...but simultaneously brings out the worse? i was told tonight that i treat my friends better than i treat blank yet when i thought about it, i was bothered by that generalization. and here is why. 1) i generally defend myself. period. i have been ganged up on or verbally battered enough by people to know that this crap ain't happening no more. i'd rather defend myself and find out that i was wrong and apologize than be walked all over by someone, even a loved one. and my friends don't generally get snapped at or yelled at...because they know i will do it. i do try to be diplomatic but on the occassions that i don't, we stay mad for a sec or two and then we move the hell on. why? because our friendship is probably way more important than whatever we were arguing over. 2) my closest friends and i communicate so well, we don't need to argue. why argue when you know you are irritating me? you will probably recognize it and simply stop. 3) people who really push my buttons that much are no longer my friends. thats the truth. if you bring out the worst in me, then you probably don't need to be in my life in the first place. why? because i have a lot to give the world and viewing myself as a terrible person, unworthy of love and affection and great things in my life are not gonna help me get my purpose accomplished.

so what if someone brings out the worst in me but i still have them around? what does that say about them? about me? isn't it true that people closest to you will see all sides of you, good and bad? but dont many of them know how to keep those terrible parts of you away? everyone has a side to them that they would rather not unleash. but if someone seems to bring that out of you, what do you do? especially when that person also brings out the best you have.

ok i'm done venting. :)