girls grow up thinking and believing that this is real. "the one". that mythical mate who we will run across and no matter what happens, we will manage to work it out and be together happily ever after. why? because it's destiny, fate, the stars aligning. this is the man you are supposed to be with so you must do everything in your power to keep him because if you let him go, then you have lost your 1 true love...
i believed that...i think many girls grow up believing that this is true. but as you get older, you realize it's not always so simple and precise. "the one" may or may not be destined. the one who you think may be "the one" may not be at all. so how do you know who you are supposed to be with? do you decide based on feelings? compatibility? things working out? how often or little you fight and argue? whether he meets your standards you have set? i have not a clue. that is something i am trying to figure out myself. i thought i knew how to figure out if someone was "the one". compatibility, whether i could see us together in the long term, could he be the father of my children, does he make me laugh, etc. but i've started to wonder if that's enough. how do you know that someone is "the one"...shoot, is there even such thing as "the one". is it the person you choose to make things work with? do they make you the most happy? what if you think you found that person and you eventually start to question that because things just never seem quite right.
speaking of never getting quite right, are our expectations too high to begin with. people always say relationships, especially marriages, take work. and that everyone goes thru those ups and downs. how can you distinguish between a reasonable amount of work and ups and downs, as opposed to a relationship that is not worth the fight? and your gut isn't always accurate. praying doesn't always bring a clear answer. so then what?
obviously i am doing a lot of contemplating about life and relationships. this is not just about me. its a combination of my thoughts, conversations with others and a plethora of articles and documents i've read about relationships.
what do you think?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
End of school...
i am exhausted. i had a long night and a long and annoying morning setting stuff up for our kids awards breakfast. i have 2 days left of school (not counting today) and i wish i could say i was sad...but i'm not. i am so ready to be done with this stupid district and this stressful life. i dont hate my kids but i am sure that this is not the career for me.
i'm sleepy so i'm not gonna write more. ciao.
i'm sleepy so i'm not gonna write more. ciao.
Monday, June 8, 2009
What makes me amazing
while talking to my best friend this weekend, i realized something. when i think about why i'm a great catch, i tend to speak in superficial terms. i talk about my many accomplishments that i've made in my 24 years on earth, including:
1) graduating from a great top school in 4 years
2) being accepted to TFA and teaching 8th grade successfully (somewhat lol) for 2 years
3) being accepted to 2 top ten law schools and deciding to attend 1 of them
4) being financially independent and responsible
5) being relatively good-looking :)
but as i stopped to think about it, i realized that this doesn't really say why i'm a good catch. it more so explains why i'm a good law student candidate or a good employee. so i tried to think, what does make me amazing? because i know there must be something. so here it goes...
1) i manage to see the good in people until given a reason not to. and even then, i almost always give them a second chance if they screw up.
2) i am eternally optimistic. u can tell me all the reasons why my kids can't learn, or why or community can't change, or why things will always be bad. and i may agree to your points. but i will still do my part to fight for change to happen, no matter what.
3) i am a God-fearing woman. my journey to God has not been a traditional one but i've discovered Him on my own and i am thankful for that experience. i learned to love the Lord on my own, not because someone told me it was the "black" thing to do. although i am still growing and learning more, and though my relationship is still in a work in progress, i think my faith is very strong. and that is crucial to understand if anyone wants to have a relationship with me.
4) i am compassionate. i will give someone my time, money, effort and attention if they need it. if you need a shoulder to lean on, a couch to sleep on, a few bucks, some food, someone to share your anger with, i'm that person. i tear up at the most random acts of kindness, emotion or beauty (although you will rarely catch me doing this)
5) i have integrity. i am honest and trustworthy and i genuinely want to do the right thing. while i'm far from perfect, i really do try to do the right thing, whether people are looking or not. i think i'm really a good person and i try to live up to that as much as possible
6) i fight for what i believe in. while i am very respectful to others, i will fight for a just cause, whether thats a loved one, a hot topic, or a good ole fashioned debate, i'm there. and i have the intelligence to back up my point. i will join a picket line, write a letter, argue, or even fight for something or someone i believe in.
7) mother's like me. have yet to meet a parent who doesn't have something positive to say. you don't have to worry about bringing me home and getting kicked under the table by your parents because i am acting or looking a fool. not a chance. i'm probably ten times more worried about my overall appearance than the guy is.
8) i'm hot. enough said. :)
9) im a ride or die chick...sort of. i will support you through a lot of things. if you are trying to find yourself, then i'm by your side. i'll help you, encourage you and defend you when others don't understand you. but dont drag me into any foolishness. i have learned from experience that if you have girl issues, that is your problem, not mine. don't expect me to fight all the chicks you can't get off your bumper. if you have constant run-ins with the law, then we can't date. we can be friends (from a distance) but that is not the lifestyle i want to lead. i am going to law school, for pete's sake! i'm not tryna be your wife and lawyer!!! too much!
10) i have respect for myself. i have been disrespected enough to know that it won't happen ever again. calling me crazy names, making me look a fool to others, or any other way that someone can be disrespectful. i respect my body, my mind, my soul and my spirit and if you don't do the same, u can keep it pushin. i can be sexy without trashy and there will never be a mistake about that.
11) i'm intelligent. this is beyond just being booksmart. now, don't get me wrong- i'm a nerd and i'm proud of it. i stay geeked up (lol). but i'm just as likely to engage you in a conversation about politics as i am about how people should spay and neuter their dogs. i know a lot about a lot of things and if i dont know, i surely won't pretend. so don't insult my intelligence. if you are not so bright, thats ok. but u may not be the right guy for me because i need a man that can match my intelligence, maybe even surpass it.
12) i'm a free spirit. i LOVE traveling and i am always open to new experiences. want to travel to Dubai? Vietnam? Turkey? Ghana? Chile? Cuba? I'm wit it! i'm the first to hop on a plane to go to a new country, try some new foods, and learn about a different culture. i am careful but open-minded and i love to get those passport stamps. if you are not a traveler, then thats ok. but dont expect me to wait around in the US. support me when i leave. because i have to travel. its a requirement for my happiness.
well, i guess this is enough for now. this was more for me than anyone else. have you ever made a list like this? if not, i highly suggest that you do. its a fulfilling exercise and it really helps you appreciate who you are.
what makes you amazing?
1) graduating from a great top school in 4 years
2) being accepted to TFA and teaching 8th grade successfully (somewhat lol) for 2 years
3) being accepted to 2 top ten law schools and deciding to attend 1 of them
4) being financially independent and responsible
5) being relatively good-looking :)
but as i stopped to think about it, i realized that this doesn't really say why i'm a good catch. it more so explains why i'm a good law student candidate or a good employee. so i tried to think, what does make me amazing? because i know there must be something. so here it goes...
1) i manage to see the good in people until given a reason not to. and even then, i almost always give them a second chance if they screw up.
2) i am eternally optimistic. u can tell me all the reasons why my kids can't learn, or why or community can't change, or why things will always be bad. and i may agree to your points. but i will still do my part to fight for change to happen, no matter what.
3) i am a God-fearing woman. my journey to God has not been a traditional one but i've discovered Him on my own and i am thankful for that experience. i learned to love the Lord on my own, not because someone told me it was the "black" thing to do. although i am still growing and learning more, and though my relationship is still in a work in progress, i think my faith is very strong. and that is crucial to understand if anyone wants to have a relationship with me.
4) i am compassionate. i will give someone my time, money, effort and attention if they need it. if you need a shoulder to lean on, a couch to sleep on, a few bucks, some food, someone to share your anger with, i'm that person. i tear up at the most random acts of kindness, emotion or beauty (although you will rarely catch me doing this)
5) i have integrity. i am honest and trustworthy and i genuinely want to do the right thing. while i'm far from perfect, i really do try to do the right thing, whether people are looking or not. i think i'm really a good person and i try to live up to that as much as possible
6) i fight for what i believe in. while i am very respectful to others, i will fight for a just cause, whether thats a loved one, a hot topic, or a good ole fashioned debate, i'm there. and i have the intelligence to back up my point. i will join a picket line, write a letter, argue, or even fight for something or someone i believe in.
7) mother's like me. have yet to meet a parent who doesn't have something positive to say. you don't have to worry about bringing me home and getting kicked under the table by your parents because i am acting or looking a fool. not a chance. i'm probably ten times more worried about my overall appearance than the guy is.
8) i'm hot. enough said. :)
9) im a ride or die chick...sort of. i will support you through a lot of things. if you are trying to find yourself, then i'm by your side. i'll help you, encourage you and defend you when others don't understand you. but dont drag me into any foolishness. i have learned from experience that if you have girl issues, that is your problem, not mine. don't expect me to fight all the chicks you can't get off your bumper. if you have constant run-ins with the law, then we can't date. we can be friends (from a distance) but that is not the lifestyle i want to lead. i am going to law school, for pete's sake! i'm not tryna be your wife and lawyer!!! too much!
10) i have respect for myself. i have been disrespected enough to know that it won't happen ever again. calling me crazy names, making me look a fool to others, or any other way that someone can be disrespectful. i respect my body, my mind, my soul and my spirit and if you don't do the same, u can keep it pushin. i can be sexy without trashy and there will never be a mistake about that.
11) i'm intelligent. this is beyond just being booksmart. now, don't get me wrong- i'm a nerd and i'm proud of it. i stay geeked up (lol). but i'm just as likely to engage you in a conversation about politics as i am about how people should spay and neuter their dogs. i know a lot about a lot of things and if i dont know, i surely won't pretend. so don't insult my intelligence. if you are not so bright, thats ok. but u may not be the right guy for me because i need a man that can match my intelligence, maybe even surpass it.
12) i'm a free spirit. i LOVE traveling and i am always open to new experiences. want to travel to Dubai? Vietnam? Turkey? Ghana? Chile? Cuba? I'm wit it! i'm the first to hop on a plane to go to a new country, try some new foods, and learn about a different culture. i am careful but open-minded and i love to get those passport stamps. if you are not a traveler, then thats ok. but dont expect me to wait around in the US. support me when i leave. because i have to travel. its a requirement for my happiness.
well, i guess this is enough for now. this was more for me than anyone else. have you ever made a list like this? if not, i highly suggest that you do. its a fulfilling exercise and it really helps you appreciate who you are.
what makes you amazing?
There's never a right time to say goodbye
ok so i broke up with my bf this weekend. i wont get into details because it doesn't matter. all i will say is it was something i needed to do for myself, rather than him being a terrible person. he's actually the best he's ever been in our relationship. as i look back over my dating history, i have been in 2 long term relationships. there was no real break between the two and i never knew what it felt like to be by myself. it was something i was kind of scared of. what if i ended up alone? this was one of my biggest fears, being old and successful but with no one to share it with. i don't even know what it feels like to be alone. now this is not to say i want to get out and date. honestly, i am not looking for any type of relationship, even if it's just adding male friends in my life. what would i do with that? absolutely nothing. the whole point is not to jump into another relationship which is part of the pattern i have created for myself. i would like to eventually see if a relationship with the guy i've dated for the past 4 1/2 years will work, but he may decide he doesn't want to come back to it. i knew this when i made the decision but it's a risk i have to take. i have to trust God enough to be ok with taking a risk like being single but not looking for anyone new. i have to trust that He will provide me with the love and support i need in the form of a husband, regardless of who it is. i think i have a lot more to work on within myself and it is hard to do that with the concern for my other half always on my mind. i don't know what to expect in the future but i am trusting and praying that it will all work out.
but i must admit, i'm a little scared.
but i must admit, i'm a little scared.
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