The death of Ms. C...

so i finally decided to write about the dead. no, its not a celebrity host, the greatest entertainer of all time (rip), a cheating athlete...it's my alter ego- Ms. C. for the past 2 years, i stopped being heavenlymaize and i became Ms. C...at least to my students. i still remember the student who first called me that instead of my actual last name. his name is Los and he was one of the students i will never forget. i will never forget the days he came high as hell to class and actually tried to look offended when i asked about it. or the time he punched a wall because he was so upset and i told him that just because he had a hard life doesn't give him an excuse to be a slacker. or when he got one of my other students to hold his drugs and got made when it got taken away. or how he said n**** and i ripped him a new one to the point where he wrote me an apology letter. or when he hugged me and thanked me for never giving up on him when he graduated. seeing him graduate was a highlight of my life, one of my proudest moments. i felt like a parent when i watched him walk across the stage to accept his middle school diploma.

he wasn't the only kid i stressed out over these past two years. but he stuck out because he was an example of those kids who are on the fence, the ones who no one expects to make it. a minority kid with no daddy and serious anger problems. one who idolizes the gang life and loves getting faded. and yet when i saw him 5 months later, he was rocking skinny jeans and playing baseball. who would have thought.

the past two years have completely altered the way i view life. i was a college student, still carrying some naivete with me when i graduated from Big State School in 07. i thought i could change the world and that when i began teaching, i would really connect. i would make significant gains and eventually be able to reach all of my kids. eery single one of them. i would have never guessed that my 2nd year, i would have a class where over half of the kids i had in the beginning were kicked out or checked out by the end. only 4 students graduated from that class. or that there would actually be some kids that i don't like (his name is Demon Child and i think he is a spawn of the devil). or that when i finally finished teaching, i would actually miss my kids. and wonder if maybe i should have given it a 3rd year (this lasts all of 30 secs).

i entered the profession a 22 year old adult...or so i thought. i left the profession a grown a** woman. there is a difference between being a legal adult and grown. prior to teaching, i was somewhere in between. i've always been very mature, esp when it comes to handling my business. i pay my bills, take care of myself, and keep everything together. but when i became a teacher, i learned how much i didn't know. i learned how to really be a role model. how to keep the curse words to myself, no matter how angry i was, because i had to teach my kids that you could express anger in a mature and respectful manner. i learned how to truly believe in people who don't believe in themselves. (there is nothing more tragic than a child who at 13 already believes there is no hope for success and that they are a failure). i learned how to be responsible for other's physical well-being. making sure my boys didn't join a gang and my girls didn't get jumped on the way home from school...or at school, for that manner. after teaching for 2 years, there are few things that i cannot handle (except 1L year in law school...but that's another blog). i must admit that i actually love my kids. i will always think of them and thank God for the gift of even being allowed to teach these amazing people for two years. on the last day of school, i told my first group that they were the most amazing kids that i could have ever taught. and that they were the reason why people become teachers. i actually had a good time teaching them all year because they were brilliant, well behaved, and hilarious. i love those kids from room #329 and i'll miss them dearly. the only reason i still have my myspace page is to keep in touch with them. and although i'm going off to another state, another school and another career, i will never forget them. they challenged me. they made me grow. they changed my life.

and now Ms. C is dead. she is no longer in exsistence...except to about 120 kids around downtown and east la. but to the rest of the world, i am simply heavenlymaize. although i wonder if i will ever let Ms. C die completely. i dunno what to think. sigh....

this is why i teach for...